Emotional Torture in Relationships

Samson as a case study 

Then she said to him, "How can you say, 'I love you,' when you won't confide in me? This is the third time you have made a fool of me and haven't told me the secret of your great strength." With such nagging she prodded him day after day until he was tired to death. Judg. 16:15-16NIV

Take note of the ground upon which Delilah exploited Samson to his own death; he loved her and she knew it. When she undertook that assignment from the enemies of Samson, they knew that she will surely succeed because Samson loved her. Observe that she did not pick up a knife or gun, but employed nagging as a weapon. She had an agenda to kill him because she did not value him. She said that Samson made a fool of her because he managed to remain safe for a few days longer. The love was a one-sided love; Delilah did not love Samson and we do not need to flog that issue.

It is a pity that there are many people who are into relationships with someone who does not feel for them the same way they felt for the loved. Unfortunately, there is no way to read their mind. It is also very unfortunate that the person in love is blinded by their emotional attachment to the one they love. Unsuspecting persons have fled from the care of those who loved them into the arms of those who hated them enough to kill them.

 Like the case of Samson, these people may be currently bound in a marriage relationship. There was the case of a Christian woman whose husband forced her finger between their iron door and cut it off. Her pastor’s wife told her to leave the house for a time but she refused claiming that she loved him dearly. The man eventually killed her. There was another case of a pastor whose wife’s behavior was undermining his ministry. She often went to church late and by her negative attitude drove away some members of the church. Incidentally they lived in the hometown of the woman. That meant that he repeatedly reported her to her parents but their counsel fell on deaf ears. On a particular occasion, the woman did not turnout for midweek evening service but stayed back in her business place to trade. After the service, the pastor went again to report to her parents, who told him to go and call her. When he got to her stall, she started badmouthing him and in anger he struck her with his fist and she dropped down and died. I don’t know whether he is out of the prison yet.

HOW TO HANDLE SUCH A SITUATION

We will start by saying that there are people who did not have an original intention to torture their partner. The truth is that they are just being them self. That is the way they behave and no matter how you advise them, they are not able to change. That does not change the fact that they are torturing their partner. It could be a cooking or eating manners; it could be in dress code or other human mannerisms but the other party finds it repulsive. Children could behave in ways that torture their parents because they are not following the right paths of life. This has resulted in heartbreak and in some cases, premature death through heart failure. By this we are also calling on the attention of my reader to be mindful of your behavior towards those who love you. You may be killing them gradually. I have met widows who now live in regret because they know that their behavior led to the death of their husband. A young man who is currently jobless and into drug addiction wept before me as he said, “If only I listened to my pastor while he was alive. Now he has died and my life is messed up like this”. Unfortunately, he learned his lessons when it was too late.

For the victims in this kind of situation, my candid advice is that, if it is possible, the other party should find a way to adjust their mind. This is because you will never find a perfect person anywhere. Through prayers and the support of the Holy Spirit, you will be able to move on.

It is needful to mention here that some of these offensive behaviors are inspired by demons. At the time of writing this article, we are talking of the case of a wealthy man who was murdered by his son. The young man had been known for drug abuse. His reason for killing his father was because he did not buy him a beautiful car. My brief time in the deliverance ministry has brought many of such cases my way.

What I mean is that if the issue on hand is like the case of Samson and Delilah where the other party has proven himself or herself a mortal enemy, I will strongly advise you to consider a permanent solution to keep both of you alive. The step you may need to take may be a difficult one, but you need to be alive to explain yourself. I want to say this without the fear of controversy, if you are currently in a life-threatening marital relationship, please leave for some time. If you notice some quire dangerous attitude in someone you are in a relationship with, do not wait to verify. Take some break to allow your mind to think freely.

We are not told how samson met Delilah but I have often told young people not to seek a serious relationship with someone who does not like your tribe, your job or your religion. Delilah was a Philistine woman and Samson was an enemy to the Philistines and the only reason he was alive in Delilah’s family house was because all the efforts they made to kill him had failed. We cannot be sure that one of Delilah’s relations was not among the one thousand Philistines Samson had killed with a jaw bone.

If you propose to a lady and she says something like, “I told myself that I will never marry someone like or from …. ( eg. Pastor or Igbo man) .. or any such thing. My candid advice is that you do not make further effort to win the person over. I know very good servants of God who got married to women they managed to persuade that way and I cannot remember any of the marriages that ended well.

Read people’s behavior and when they give an indication that they do not like you or hate something about you, do not stay around to change their mind. You can do that from a safe distance. If your spouse, son or daughter begins to show violent life-threatening tendencies, take it as a statement from them. Three times Samson woke up from his sleep to find that Delilah had attempted the things she believed would reduce him to a weak man, yet he kept staying in the same house with her.

Let me add that, before you take a final decision about this matter, make out time to discuss the issue with the other party to explain how you feel. If he continues, you can talk to the pastor of your church or someone they respect. Unfortunately, there are people who are in marriages without being duly married and they do not belong to any local church. Such people are lost when they find themselves in such conditions. It is not true that third parties should not be involved in marriage matters. God was the third party in Adam’s marriage to Even, and that was the first marriage. The wrong notion that there should not be a third party in marriage matters have destroyed many Samsons in the houses of Delilah, because they died in silence.

I like to warn against the kind of counsels you listen to.

Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. Ps 1:1-2NIV

We have cases of young women who sought counsels from aging prostitutes, witchdoctors and fake prophets and they made matters worse. That is one of my strong reasons to advise you to have a relationship with a mature servant of God, who you can run to when you find yourself in this kind of situation. No matter how anointed a preacher is, do not trust serious marriage matters to him if he is not married, or if he has to listen in the spirit to guide you about your relationships. It is not a safe formula.

That will bring us to these vital matters.

Your lifestyle will determine where you meet your connections. If you are the kind of person who is not committed as a Christian and visit nightclubs and gambling centers, I bet your spouse will come from those circles. Taking jobs in sin centers will only expose you to sinners. You never chose your parents or siblings; you only have the privilege to chose your friends and spouse. Do it wisely.

A disciplined prayer lifestyle and commitment in the things of the Lord, will protect you if you find yourself in that kind of unfortunate condition.

A life of covenant with God will surely be a wall of protection around you. Pay your tithe, be engaged in soul-winning ventures and serve God with any opportunity you find. I can assure you that the Lord will defend you when you need Him. Serve God in truth.

This another side of this matter which we cannot discuss here. And that is Soul-Tie. Some people will gladly leave but they are bound to that person through an ungodly soul-tie.

You can read more about this in my book on the subject. It is available on the PNUR Bookstore and the Selar. Contact me for a direct purchase.

If you have not joined the PNUR Family WhatsApp Platform, I will gladly add you if you contact me.

I love to get your reaction.

Emma your brother pnurnigeria@gmail.com